ON THE ROLL the roller derby fic
by Swing-21
Summary: The Enterprise has a female Roller Derby monthly match. Blue skirts against Red skirts. Prepare for lace, fishnets, TOS cameos and BAMFS being sexyy and taking names.


_AN: Hey guys! This has been posted for a while on my LJ account but I forgot to post it here. _

_Verse: ST XI_  
_Pairing(s): A healthy dose of everything. Pretty much anything canon from TOS. Allusions to Kirk/Spock,_ _Sulu/Chekov_.  
_Rating: PG-13 for swearing and hair-pulling._  
_Filled for prompt here community . livejournal . com / st_xi_kink_meme / 13264 . html  
_

_Warning: A LOT of TOS references. I mean, you probably won't get most of it if you haven't watched it yet. All characters exist in either TOS or ST:XI, and the relationships hinted (or Scotty's many crushes) actually happen in the series. Except any allusions at K/S or Chekov/Sulu. It's also mostly written only in dialog._

_Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine, I'm just having fun with it. So. Much. Fun.  
_

* * *

**ON THE ROLL**

**(The roller derby fic)**

* * *

**'Velcome, Ladies, Gentlement, and other sentient species, to this twenty-sewenth roller derby match of ze Enterprise! I am being wery glad to seeing so many supporters today! It looks like the entire ship is coming here to see ze match. I ken see ze ladies have ewen cheerleaders this time! Is zat Meester Scott with ze kilt and ze red pompoms? Yes, it eez! Say hello Meester Scott!'**

'GO ENGINEERING!' hollered the Scottman.

**'…It looks like Meester Scott is being cheering for ze Red team, which is not only Engineering, but ze whole Operations department. And cheering for ze Blue team, Doctor McCoy! He ewen has blue pompoms! This iz spirit!'**

'Damnit, Jim glued them to my hands!'

**'Yes, I can zee that. Oh, there is ze Keptain! Say hello Keptain!'**

'Hello Enteprise!' yelled Kirk, waving simultaneously a blue and a red pompom.

A resounding cheer answered him.

**'I can see our handsome helmsman vith them! Hello Hikaru! Vhat team are you cheering for?'**

'He's there for the announcer!' yelled Kirk.

Sulu waved a bit and ducked his head.

**'Aw, that iz sweet, thank you Hikaru! So, after last match's disastrous ewents, today's game vill not having Keenser as a referee, but Meester Spock, vho gladly wolunteered to awoid another brawl. Say hello, Commander!'**

The Vulcan, clad in a striped referee top that Jim had practically forced him to wear, nodded.

'I will endeavor to enforce the rules while showing no bias, nor favoritism.'

**'Zat's ze spirit, Commander! Now, ve vill present ze teams! Ze blue team, Nerdy Ladiez, iz being led by terrifying Nurse Chapel! Don't let her charming bedside manner fool you, she is a terror vith hyposprays and can hold her own against the ship's CMO, so nothing scares her anymore!'**

Loud cheer while Chapel skated in, a white star adorning her helmet. She was wearing a skimpier, version of her usual uniform, and long white stockings.

'Oh lord, I think she's wearing a lace garter underneath,' mumbled McCoy. He hit Jim when the Captain strained his neck to get a better view.

**'Psychiatrist Helen Noel iz ze blue team pivot, and she says that a leetle suffering iz good for ze soul, so watch out, Red team!'**

'So, what did happen between you and her, last Christmas party?' asked McCoy.

'Nothing! We danced a bit, talked a bit, I was drunk so I started ranting about the stars, and we both went our separate ways!' answered Jim.

**'Ze pack iz composed of Doctor Elisabeth Dehner, finally out of Medbay and with a Esper rating to send you into ze wall with her mind!'**

'Yeah, I really don't want to see a repeat of what she did to Gary…' mumbled Jim.

**'Greet Lieutenant Marlena Moreau, as mean on ze track as her mirror counterpart, if one ken believe ze keptain!'**

'Ye tried anything with the nice version of Miss Moreau?' asked Scotty. 'Ah remember her mirror self being rather fond of ye.'

'I'd rather not do anything, have you seen her shoulder blocks? Last time she sent Uhura to Medbay! I think we got stuck with the evil twin…'

**'Cheer for Lieutenant Carolyn Palamas, beautiful enough to charm ze Greek God Apollo, but strong enough to turn him down!'**

'Yeah right,' mumbled Kirk.

'Don't ye go dissin' mah lass, Captain!'

**'And finally, Miss Mira Romaine and all ze anger that comes with classifying and transferring data to Memory Alpha!'**

'Ye look beautiful, Mira!'

'Weren't you dating Palamas, like, five seconds ago?' asked McCoy.

'Ackh, after all that trouble with Apollo? Nae, she wanted poems and flowers and immortality. Ah'm just an Engineer, can't give her what a god promised. Ah'm trying mah hand with Miss Romaine, now that's a sweet lass.'

**'And now, scream and shout for ze Red team, ze Unexpendables! Heeeeeere's team Keptain Lieutenant Nyota Uhura!'**

The hall erupted in cheers, Kirk's loudly chanting 'Ny-o-TA! Ny-o-TA!' just because he could.

Uhura skated in, waved around and did a little twirl right in front of Kirk. His jaw dropped.

'Oh. My. God.'

'What? I dinnae see!'

'She's wearing red panties. With NCC-1701 on them.'

'Ah think I'm in love,' whispered Scotty. 'Nyotaaaa! Have mah babies!'

'No, MINE!' yelled Kirk.

'Both of you shut up before Spock murders you!' snapped McCoy.

'Murdered by the referee, that I'd pay to see,' snickered Sulu.

**'Ze Red team pivot iz none other than our loveliest Green Lady, Miiiiiiiiiiss Gaila! She's green, she's mean, she'll make you scream and cream- Vhat? Zhis is not vhat I wrote!'**

To a round of applause and laughter, Gaila skated in and blew kisses while bending really low at the waist, showing her cleavage and black lace panties to everyone.

'Fishnets,' was McCoy's only bemused word.

'Hell yeah,' drooled Kirk.

'Even I can see the appeal,' noted Sulu. 'Really looks good with green.'

'Gaila! Meh love! Blow me a kiss!'

'That's not the only thing she can blo-'

'Jim, shut up before I make you eat your pompoms.'

**'And ze rest of ze Red team! Yeoman Teresa Ross, feisty enough to stand up to all powerful pompous asses!'**

'He can say that?' wondered Sulu.

'Trelaine WAS a pompous ass,' grumbled Kirk.

'You should see his reports, not once did he call him Trelaine,' snorted McCoy. 'The admirality was pissed.'

**'Historian Marla MacGivers, who won ze Most Terrifying Player medal for ze third year in a row!'**

'What is she screaming? I can't hear over the noise!'

'Is it wife of Khan?'

'No, it's wrath of canned- what would that even mean?'

'Ye idiots, it's «yes, we can», ye know, from that old Subspace meme?'

**'Yeoman Tonia Barrows!'** went on Chekov. **'She looks like a princess but she roars like a dragon!'**

'You never did tell me what went on that Shore Leave planet, Bones.'

'And it's none of your business, kid.'

'Dude, she winked at you,' snorted Sulu. 'You're on.'

'Whoohoo Doctor! Way to go, she's a beautiful lass!'

'Hands off, Scotty,' growled McCoy. 'And you too, Jim. If I ever hear of another backrub on the bridge-'

'I totally thought it was Spock, how many times will I have to say it? I wouldn't make the moves on your girl! And come on, she's my Yeoman! I wouldn't flirt with my Yeoman on the bridge, while on duty!'

'What do you want me to believe, that you faked a back pain so Spock would get his hands on you?'

'…My back was really, really hurting?'

**'And last but not least, ze very beautiful, very efficient, very terrorizing Yeomaaaaaan Janiiiice Raaaaaand! She can strike fear in our Keptain's heart where Klingons and Romulans have failed!'**

'Whoohoo Rand!' yelled Sulu.

'You rock, Janice!' shouted Kirk.

'…Is Spock… glaring at her?'

'I don't know Bones. Those two have been weird for a while. I swear the other day I thought I heard Spock saying something bitchy to her. Like, a real cat fight or something.'

'You're dreaming, kid.'

**'Ve vill be starting ze match now! All players on ze track please! Meester Spock?'**

'I expect all of you to play a clean and sportladylike game. You all claim to know the rules, but the results of previous matches state otherwise. I should not need to remind you that the only acceptable forms of blocking are with the shoulders, the hips and the buttocks.'

'…Did Spock just say buttocks?' asked McCoy.

'I will never let him live him down!' snickered Kirk.

'Using the elbows, the hands, the legs, will be prohibited and sanctioned. As will be pushing, tripping, or otherwise injuring any other player. Is that understood?'

'Yes Commander,' answered simultaneously the girls, snickering.

'This is going to get bloody,' grinned Kirk.

'Aye,' answered Scotty with a conniving smile.

Both Uhura and Chapel skated to the Jammers starting line and shared a venomous look.

'You're going down,' growled Christine.

'You're just jealous because I have a hot Vulcan boyfriend,' snickered back Nyota.

'I wouldn't be so sure about that,' smiled evilly the nurse. 'I've seen the way he looks at the Captain when he's injured…'

'What, Kirk? What do you mean, the way he-'

At that moment, Spock blew the whistle and the Pack, in front of them, started the game. A second whistle, and both Jammers forgot the friendly banter and skated.

**'And it iz a start! Chapel and Uhura vill be both doing a first lap before they can start scoring any points. Chapel is being wery quick on her feet, but Uhura is always at her best with ze corners and turns. They are being back with ze pack, and here ve go! Uhura avoids Moreau, Rand blocks Chapel, oh, that was a brutal block from MacGivers, she is being strong today!'**

'Rollerskates. Skirts. Our sexy female crew beating the crap out of each other. This. This is the life.'

'Aye, Captain!' agreed Scotty, before starting to holler like a madman for his team.

**'Oh! It iz looking like Uhura iz the first to exit ze pack! No, Chapel is right behind her, and zhey skate another round. Zhis vas beautiful, hawe you seen Miss Gaila's vonderful butt block? Zis is art, ladies, gentlemen and other sentient beings.'**

'I think your boyfriend is turning straight,' commented McCoy to Sulu.

'Only during Roller Derby matches,' snickered Sulu. 'Hell, I think even I'm starting to have doubts.'

'Gaila's ass in itself is art, not matter what she does with it,' sighed Kirk.

**'And ze Jammers are catching with ze pack once again! Point fer Red team, oh, that must have hurt! Hip block from Moreau! And Barrows uses her shoulders to block Chapel and OH! Zhat is simply illegal!'**

A moment later, three, then four players just went crashing to the floor in a pile.

'What? What? I can't see! What happened?'

'I think someone tripped?' tried Sulu. 'Can't be sure.'

'Why do you care about the reasons? You've got Uhura, Chapel, Gaila and Rand all piled up on top of each other! Legs! Panties! Please, tell me someone is filming this!'

'You can stop looking like Christmas has come early,' grumbled McCoy, rolling his eyes. 'Spock is there to break your party.'

'Penalty to the Red Team for tripping.'

'What?' screeched Gaila, jumping to her feet. 'Christine tripped by herself! I shouldn't be penalized for her ungraceful human coordination!'

'Ungraceful my ass!' screamed back Chapel. 'You deliberately tripped me, and Nyota pushed!'

'I did NOT!' jumped in Uhura. 'If you just learned how to skate properly!'

'Penalty to the Blue team for provocation-'

'Provocation? They provoked me! You heard what that green slut called me?'

'Who are you calling a slut, you fake blond bitch?'

'Ladies, please, this behavior is unbecoming of Starfleet-'

'Spock, just drop it, we can deal with this on our own, thank you very much.'

'Nyota-'

'Yeah, yeah, we know you're sleeping with the referee, no need to rub it in our faces!'

'Shouldn't this disqualify her?' asked Helen Noel.

'Yeah! Red team loses because their Captain is too loose!' cheered Palamas.

'Who are you calling loose, you twat? I saw the reports of what happened with Apollo! Bedding the first guy that comes around pretending to be a God, come on! That has to be the oldest trick in the book and you fell for it!' shouted Uhura.

'At least I'm not losing my boyfriend to another man!' snickered Yeoman Barrows, forgetting they were on the same team.

'Will you stop with these rumors already?' screeched Uhura.

'This is getting better and better,' shouted Jim with glee, not losing a single word of the bitch fight.

'Spock looks pretty calm through it all,' commented Sulu.

'You kidding? He's wearing his «fuck my life» face,' snorted Jim.

'Looks pretty much like his regular face to me,' shrugged McCoy.

'Nah, there's a definitive frown and his jaw is set. Look, there's a twitch right there under his left eye.'

'Just shut up, Rand! We all know you shorten your uniform skirt when you have Alpha Bridge shift! Some of us don't want to see your panties, and neither does the Captain!'

'At least he looks at me instead of running the other way when he sees you! And stop with that Christmas party story, everyone knows it's all a load of bull!'

'You and your fucking princess dresses and fairytales, just get laid already and stop bothering the rest of us with that!'

'Dresses? Dresses? That happened ONCE, and if I recall, you still have the one Trelaine made you wear! So, how was sex with an all powerful being? Better than your usual Klingon vibrator?'

'YOU BITCH! YOU WENT THROUGH MY STUFF!'

No one really knows who threw the first punch. But a moment later, there was a full out brawl on the track. Punches were given, names were called, hair was pulled, screeches were heard. The crowd went wild, Kirk and Scotty waving their pompoms like mad. McCoy was simply trying to unglue his, because he had the feeling he'd need both his hands and his ass in Sickbay, and soon.

In the middle of it stood Spock, his «fuck my life» face clearly displayed.

* * *

An hour later, both teams were found in Sickbay, occupying all the beds. Entrance was forbidden to the Captain and the Chief Engineer, who both insisted on congratulating the players. McCoy managed to unglue one pompom, so he had to use his left hand and delegate a lot.

In a corner biobed, Chapel was running a dermal generator on Uhura's face.

'Nice right hook, bitch,' smiled Uhura without animosity.

'Serves you right for biting me, slut,' answered Chapel with a wink.

'Actually, the biting was me,' called Gaila from a bed over. 'You have such beautiful thighs, there's no way I couldn't NOT bite them!'

'Still not interested, Gaila,' smirked Chapel.

'Aw…'

Uhura stretched and popped her aching joints, a smile on her face.

'That was amazing,' she sighed contentedly. 'Shame we can't do that more often.'

'Once a month is enough already!' growled McCoy from Tonia Barrow's biobed. 'You'll run us out of supplies if you keep at it! And the First Officer almost had a coronary!'

'He looks so handsome with that nervous twitch,' sighed Chapel.

'Hands off my man, bitch,' warned Uhura, half-joking.

'Tell that to the Captain,' smirked Chapel.

McCoy rolled his eyes, fully knowing they'd be back to being «Best Friends Forever» the following day. Until the next Roller Derby match, of course.


End file.
